David Coleman, better known as “The Dating Doctor,” spilled major dating secrets when he visited campus on Friday. Coleman is a relationship consultant. He gives advice to clients in addition to visiting over 2,500 college campuses. Here are five of the key points he made during his presentation.
- Escape the “friend zone”
Coleman said if you are attracted to someone, you cannot be friends with them. The only way to escape this is to stop being so readily available to them and casually ask them if they see you as anything more than a friend.
“The friend zone happens because this person that you want to be more than friends with gets to see you all day, everyday, for free,” he said. “They walk in the morning to grab some coffee. Who’s already there? You. Who’s in their first class? You. Who do they have lunch with? You. ... If they get to see you all day everyday for free, they will never want you. Everyone on earth wants what they cannot have.”
- Have confidence
Throughout the night, Coleman asked the audience to repeat mantras to themselves and to the people sitting around them. These positive phrases included, “you look fabulous,” “I’m a catch” and “you deserve the absolute best.”
Ophelie Ploquin, a freshman management major from La Baule, France, said self-confidence was the most important message she would take home.
“You are more important than you think and you should see yourself differently,” Ploquin said.
- Leave them wanting more
Time tends to fly when a person is having fun. Coleman encouraged people to have short first dates to minimize risk. Signing up to do a short activity allows both people to feel it out without committing their entire evening to something that may not be enjoyable.
“Spend up to one hour of social time with them. Maybe two. No more than two. ‘My first date lasted eight ... ’ No. Maybe one or two hours max. … Then, (at the end of a date) one of you looks at the other person and says, ‘Man, that time really flew by, would you like to do something else?’ And then you get to hear three of the greatest words in early dating, ‘I’d love to.’ Then, only one more hour. Why? It can still turn ugly and you always want to leave people wanting more.”
- Consent is Key
Coleman emphasized that college campuses have a lot of wonderful resources, but everyone should be aware of Title IX. All physical interactions that happen between partners should happen when both parties are eager and able to give consent.
“Let’s say you and your partner are getting a little hot and heavy and one of you looks at the other and says, ‘Hey, do you wanna go farther, do you really want to have sex?’ And the other person says, ‘Um, yeah.’ That’s really a no. Why? Because it has to be enthusiastic, mutual and affirming.”
- Give Yourself Time
After a breakup, Coleman said he recommends distancing yourself from your ex, busying yourself with campus activities and giving yourself time to heal.
“If someone broke up with you, … they no longer get access to your heart, mind, body or soul. If they have chosen to cheat, they have chosen to lose you. If they have chosen to break up with you, they have chosen to lose you. You cannot stay Facebook friends, you cannot follow them on Twitter, you cannot follow them on Snapchat. None of that stuff. Why? Because you let them toy with your heart and your head, you’re not going to move on.”
How much time exactly? Coleman has a formula for this. He recommends two weeks for every month and two months for every year of your relationship. Keep in mind, if any contact is made between exes, this can lengthen the amount of time needed to heal.